case of the mondays

Hate that I am even using that phrase but today was a rough day. One of those days where you find your emotions over taking you and your eyes tearing up and fighting yourself to stay strong while feeling defeated.

Typically I look forward to my birthday week. This year I am looking forward to Wednesday night because I am taking Thursday off.

I am at a cross roads and this might be a sign that it is time for change. There is no better example to show me that I have been on the wrong path. I am forever grateful for this wrong path though. It made me responsible, reliable, and grateful for all it has taught me. It has afforded me many luxuries (like travel) which might not have been possible otherwise.

This might be the year of some hard decisions. The year thus far has been anything but easy.

Now if only those heart shaped glasses could show me the way...

Sunday Dread

I need to learn to live in the moment more. I am constantly thinking of the next thing. That is why I look forward to traveling. It forces me outside my comfort zone and to let go. It affords me the opportunity to have the next day to do as I wish with. So as I sit here wallowing in the fact that I must arise early tomorrow and work on a difficult project for 8 hours, I attempt to avoid that by researching possible travel locations for this year. 

Focusing on the positive to banish the Sunday night dread.

This week I will look forward to home cooked dinners, laughs, favorite tv shows, and home improvement/organization projects. 

Just getting back from work. I must admit that I left to work this morning dragging my feet and dreading being in an office for 8 hours. Thankfully I had a change of heart after 2 hours. I grabbed myself some green tea and realized that the day isn't so bad. Being pouty was no way to start the new year.

I'd like to commit to writing every day. Hopefully I will make writing here part of that. I would like to. And I would also like to share snapshots of every day life. It is a goal of mine to get out of my shell and comfort zone more often. I tend to only do so when pushed.

I noticed that the big trend this year seems to be to bash on those who have decided to make resolutions. To say to them, "hey if you haven't done it by now, what makes you think anything will change?" I hate that. It is so negative and why bash on anyone attempting or thinking of bettering themselves? I'm an avid list maker, planner, organizer. I love the feeling of a fresh start. Sure, I might fail but I won't fail every time. And those victories feel all the better.

So here are a few of my goals for this year:

• continue to further my education
• read a book a month
• spend time with my family (actually listen to dad's stories-maybe even write a few down)
• drink water 
• continue to travel
• don't be so shy that I miss out on capturing moments with my very unused camera
• write
• keep on saving for the future
• practice self love (respect and love my body-don't take it for granted. use it. hiking, yoga, biking, even a simple neighborhood walk)

Really it is all part of my life plan. I would like to think that I get wiser each year and in some ways I feel that I have grown and others are a constant battle. This year I just really want to laugh and feel the moments, know that I am living to my full potential and being in awe of the world around me, even a simple kitten snuggle. There is and should be happiness in each and every day. 

2014

Yesterday was filled with possibilities and today...I napped. Although I did manage to take down the christmas decorations but it has otherwise been an unproductive and relaxing day. I guess there is plenty more of 2014 left to accomplish goals.

Wednesday

It's now been over a week and I have yet to update. I keep meaning to write but...what to write about?

I have been reading a lot more lately. The last 3 books were The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Ham on Rye, and now reading Gone Girl. They all have the whole "writing to my diary" vibe. It is inspiring while I am soaking in the book but afterwards I never really set time aside to write and whatever thoughts flittered through my mind are long gone.

Do I aspire to be a writer? Is that what I want? What would I write about? Could I actually develop characters and a whole plot revolving around those characters?

Perhaps I can keep this blog going for myself as practice. It'll keep me focused and into the habit of writing more often.

I always assumed that with a nice set up the words would just come to me. I remember when I first moved into a bigger bedroom, at age 15, and my eyes immediately went to the two windows facing the backyard. They were evenly divided on one side of the wall and I thought how great it would be to put a desk between them so that I could write and have the sun stream in through the windows. I imagined writing and looking up every so often to the trees and birds outside. Of course things didn't go that way.  When I was at my desk, my time was spent instant messaging friends and "surfing the web" via land line (painfully slow) or doing homework. I only attempted short stories once or twice and by now they are gone along with the old computer my dad gave away.

I still long for the perfect writing spot but if and when it ever happens I will still probably end up writing in bed in my pajamas.

wander..

Spent a couple minutes reading the very few past entries. I noticed I mentioned travel more than once. At some point I seemed very doubtful of being able to take the vacation I wanted. Having just come back from my second Europe trip makes me realize that anything is possible.

The first time I really got the urge to travel was when my brother's teacher sent him a postcard from Greece. I know it wasn't for me but I couldn't help save it. I held it in my hands knowing that this little piece of paper had started off so, so many miles away and had now made its way to me. It was exhilarating. Even know, the thought makes me smile. In my heart I knew the feeling would never go away. And so my heart broke a tiny bit because as a kid I just didn't think it would be possible. My family didn't spend money on anything extravagant and that included cable tv. So how would I ever be able to make it?

In social studies class we'd learn about mummies and the pyramids and I would dream of going to Egypt. In science our teacher would bring in sand from different beaches outside California and I would wonder what it would be like to feel the sand and sun there for myself.

I finally realize that it is true what they say; if you want it bad enough you will make it happen.

I can and will continue to dream..and to make those dreams become reality.

A little reminder to myself:

Dublin

London

Paris

Barcelona

Madrid

October days..

This past month has been filled with hot days, Saturday classes, and lots of movie watching.

 

Took a trip to the pumpkin patch and walked through a tiny corn maze.

Made a Tom Collins on a night in.

Adored the cute halloween themed Netflix envelopes.

Carved pumpkins while watching horror movies.

Left carved bat-kitten pumpkin on the front porch.

Tried for the bitten by vampire look without much success.

Picked delicious guayabas from the backyard.

Ate at my favorite vegan cafe.

Had many beautiful, quiet drives to school.

And as October comes to an end, I enjoy another warm afternoon.