Melancholia

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is sit around and wallow in my sadness. I don't even have a valid excuse for being so blue. It's the type of day where I want to watch sad movies and listen to very depressing songs. The weather doesnt help much either. Outside the sky is gray and the clouds are starting to gather in preparation for what is sure to be a rainy night.

In truth, part of the gloominess comes from worrying. I thought I was on the road to finally accumulating some money in my savings (i.e. more traveling). Life has a way of soiling plans at times. This is one of those times. An insurance claim that I thought was closed is apparently not over with and with that comes the risk of being in debt again. And just when I was sure that I had gotten past my financial mistakes of my early twenties.

Why is it that I am in a constant panic over my future? Quarter life crisis has been in full effect for the past 3 years. Which reminds me...I am officially 27. Have been since Monday.

Well, enough sulking! I think I will get back to reading and maybe change the music to something a little livelier. And life? It isn't so bad. It is actually quite great most of the time. In fact, my cat Pixie is currently nudging me; I think as a reminder of the good things in life.

Friendship

As I've gotten older my inner circle has fluctuated. I am lucky enough to have a handful of friends that I am super close to. And I'm also lucky enough to have had such solid friendships in high school that they carried right on over to my twenties.

For me, my friendships have gone through the same ups and downs as any romantic relationship. (I've even had a bff end in us not being friends anymore). I've struggled to be the best that I can be to each friend at some point. It almost feels like growing pains. As each of us grows as a person we might begin to clash with one another. Where we both might have once loved the same music or had the same political views we might not have that in common anymore. It can be tough trying to gain that balance back.

As each of us have dived deep within a relationship we might have spent so much of ourselves in that relationship that our friendships were left neglected. I know I was guilty of it and in retrospect can see how that might have made others feel. Going through that however, has made me much more understanding to those who have gone through it too.

It can be hard when everyone is growing and changing so much at the same time. I went from being an avid meat eater to giving it all up. What were fun, teasing jokes became not so fun once repeated. But that is what can happen when we get so used to things being one way and then having it all change so quickly. There is an adjustment period. New friends, hobbies, jobs, can all take some getting used to. But eventually you know you found the group for you when we are all still there for each other. No matter the physical distance, who we become, or how busy our lives might get.

I once let the drama interfere. It's hard staying solid and not getting enthralled in it. I hope to have matured as time has passed and now remind myself to not get sucked in. Let it go. When the dust clears I'll see the ones I love. My solid group.

I am so proud of who each one of my friends are. I hope they know that. Each one brings something unique to our group. It may sound corny but I am blessed to have every one of them as friend.

One week left

I turn 27 next Monday. I have a week left of being 26 (in my mid twenties) before moving on to being in my late twenties. It's not like I'm afraid of getting older, it's more like I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers. I keep trying to hold on to it but it's so defiant. I used to let it go because I had this feeling of the vastness of time. All the things I needed to do or wanted to do didn't matter because I would get to it someday. As I get older I start to feel like maybe I was too careless with it before yet at the same time I feel like I did more living then. I was less afraid, less inhibited. I was happy in that carefree way that only a teen fresh out of high school with the world before them and endless possibilities can feel. I went from feeling like I would work at a 9-5 job "for now" to "is this it?" What happened to following your dreams? Taking chances? Traveling the world? Being more spontaneous and trying new things? I let my inner hermit take the reins and now I'm not sure how to take them back and let the outgoing side of me take a chance. I don't want to look back one day and think that the saying "youth is wasted on the young" is right. I don't want to waste my youth yet I don't know how to make the best of it either.

This coming weekend I am fittingly having a theme party. You are to come dressed as who you wanted to be "one day." Back when we were kids, what did we aspire to be one day?

I have had a passion for books since I first learned to read. I remember many, many trips to the local bookmobile where I would check out as many books as I was allowed to. That continued as I got older. They were always such a comfort to me. So many summers were spent with a stack of library books. I even read them at the dinner table. I guess I never really allowed myself to think of a career in literature as a possibility and I'm not sure why. I wish I had stuck to academics instead of purposely falling behind. Now it feels as if it is too late. Logic tells me that it is not too late but my heart is so scared of disappointment that I haven't allowed myself to try. So this weekend I will let my little party give me a sort of symbolic head start. I am showing up as a "writer." Maybe the thought will become less scary if I face it head on.

It does feel like wherever I turn I am faced with signs to go for it. One of my best friends is off to another country to pursue a career in culinary arts. In the book I'm reading, (One Day)I find I sympathize with the character as she says, " 'I think you were telling me that my life was going nowhere,' and she began to laugh and cry at the same time." Even in my Instagram timeline I saw someone post "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." I am not sure how or where I will start but maybe writing my thoughts here on this blog can help. It might force me to be less neurotic about it all.

Currently..

Trying to decided whether to give my full attention to An American in Paris or One Day. Movies and reading...my idea of Friday night fun.