Spring Time

Tomorrow is the first day of spring. I have to admit, this year started out rough. I am normally an optimistic person. I love the feeling of a clean slate, starting something new. And I also love birthdays. Work stress put a damper on things.

In the end, I realized that I am smarter than I give myself credit for. I am stronger and can persevere. I also came to the conclusion that I am at a time in my life where I will need to make some tough choices in accordance to what I see for myself in the future. I can no longer worry about the just now.

March has never felt special for me. This year, it's different. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I am in a photography class. I started to eat more whole foods and less processed. It has now also been a full week since I put the treadmill to use as well. I hope to keep it up.

With the start of spring, it feels like the start of a new year.


Recap of the last two months:

It included an evening at the beach.

Running errands with my dad & bf.

A romantic valentine's day.

Working on photography projects.

Rediscovering old band tshirts.

and reuniting with old friends over dinner & tea.

a year older..

I am officially 29.

My birthday was yesterday. I spent a peaceful day at home as it was what I desperately needed.

I had no idea work stress had affected my daily life so much. Having the day off and then going back to work freshly reenergized made a huge difference on my outlook on things.

Today I am happier and at peace with myself. I am lucky enough to have caring family and friends who reminded me of that fact. Life is definitely better with loved ones to share it with.

Being surrounded by beauty also brightened the day.

And a very sweet and talented friend of mine surprised me with such a cool drawing.

29 isn't looking so bad.

case of the mondays

Hate that I am even using that phrase but today was a rough day. One of those days where you find your emotions over taking you and your eyes tearing up and fighting yourself to stay strong while feeling defeated.

Typically I look forward to my birthday week. This year I am looking forward to Wednesday night because I am taking Thursday off.

I am at a cross roads and this might be a sign that it is time for change. There is no better example to show me that I have been on the wrong path. I am forever grateful for this wrong path though. It made me responsible, reliable, and grateful for all it has taught me. It has afforded me many luxuries (like travel) which might not have been possible otherwise.

This might be the year of some hard decisions. The year thus far has been anything but easy.

Now if only those heart shaped glasses could show me the way...

Sunday Dread

I need to learn to live in the moment more. I am constantly thinking of the next thing. That is why I look forward to traveling. It forces me outside my comfort zone and to let go. It affords me the opportunity to have the next day to do as I wish with. So as I sit here wallowing in the fact that I must arise early tomorrow and work on a difficult project for 8 hours, I attempt to avoid that by researching possible travel locations for this year. 

Focusing on the positive to banish the Sunday night dread.

This week I will look forward to home cooked dinners, laughs, favorite tv shows, and home improvement/organization projects. 

Just getting back from work. I must admit that I left to work this morning dragging my feet and dreading being in an office for 8 hours. Thankfully I had a change of heart after 2 hours. I grabbed myself some green tea and realized that the day isn't so bad. Being pouty was no way to start the new year.

I'd like to commit to writing every day. Hopefully I will make writing here part of that. I would like to. And I would also like to share snapshots of every day life. It is a goal of mine to get out of my shell and comfort zone more often. I tend to only do so when pushed.

I noticed that the big trend this year seems to be to bash on those who have decided to make resolutions. To say to them, "hey if you haven't done it by now, what makes you think anything will change?" I hate that. It is so negative and why bash on anyone attempting or thinking of bettering themselves? I'm an avid list maker, planner, organizer. I love the feeling of a fresh start. Sure, I might fail but I won't fail every time. And those victories feel all the better.

So here are a few of my goals for this year:

• continue to further my education
• read a book a month
• spend time with my family (actually listen to dad's stories-maybe even write a few down)
• drink water 
• continue to travel
• don't be so shy that I miss out on capturing moments with my very unused camera
• write
• keep on saving for the future
• practice self love (respect and love my body-don't take it for granted. use it. hiking, yoga, biking, even a simple neighborhood walk)

Really it is all part of my life plan. I would like to think that I get wiser each year and in some ways I feel that I have grown and others are a constant battle. This year I just really want to laugh and feel the moments, know that I am living to my full potential and being in awe of the world around me, even a simple kitten snuggle. There is and should be happiness in each and every day. 

2014

Yesterday was filled with possibilities and today...I napped. Although I did manage to take down the christmas decorations but it has otherwise been an unproductive and relaxing day. I guess there is plenty more of 2014 left to accomplish goals.

Wednesday

It's now been over a week and I have yet to update. I keep meaning to write but...what to write about?

I have been reading a lot more lately. The last 3 books were The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Ham on Rye, and now reading Gone Girl. They all have the whole "writing to my diary" vibe. It is inspiring while I am soaking in the book but afterwards I never really set time aside to write and whatever thoughts flittered through my mind are long gone.

Do I aspire to be a writer? Is that what I want? What would I write about? Could I actually develop characters and a whole plot revolving around those characters?

Perhaps I can keep this blog going for myself as practice. It'll keep me focused and into the habit of writing more often.

I always assumed that with a nice set up the words would just come to me. I remember when I first moved into a bigger bedroom, at age 15, and my eyes immediately went to the two windows facing the backyard. They were evenly divided on one side of the wall and I thought how great it would be to put a desk between them so that I could write and have the sun stream in through the windows. I imagined writing and looking up every so often to the trees and birds outside. Of course things didn't go that way.  When I was at my desk, my time was spent instant messaging friends and "surfing the web" via land line (painfully slow) or doing homework. I only attempted short stories once or twice and by now they are gone along with the old computer my dad gave away.

I still long for the perfect writing spot but if and when it ever happens I will still probably end up writing in bed in my pajamas.

wander..

Spent a couple minutes reading the very few past entries. I noticed I mentioned travel more than once. At some point I seemed very doubtful of being able to take the vacation I wanted. Having just come back from my second Europe trip makes me realize that anything is possible.

The first time I really got the urge to travel was when my brother's teacher sent him a postcard from Greece. I know it wasn't for me but I couldn't help save it. I held it in my hands knowing that this little piece of paper had started off so, so many miles away and had now made its way to me. It was exhilarating. Even know, the thought makes me smile. In my heart I knew the feeling would never go away. And so my heart broke a tiny bit because as a kid I just didn't think it would be possible. My family didn't spend money on anything extravagant and that included cable tv. So how would I ever be able to make it?

In social studies class we'd learn about mummies and the pyramids and I would dream of going to Egypt. In science our teacher would bring in sand from different beaches outside California and I would wonder what it would be like to feel the sand and sun there for myself.

I finally realize that it is true what they say; if you want it bad enough you will make it happen.

I can and will continue to dream..and to make those dreams become reality.

A little reminder to myself:

Dublin

London

Paris

Barcelona

Madrid

October days..

This past month has been filled with hot days, Saturday classes, and lots of movie watching.

 

Took a trip to the pumpkin patch and walked through a tiny corn maze.

Made a Tom Collins on a night in.

Adored the cute halloween themed Netflix envelopes.

Carved pumpkins while watching horror movies.

Left carved bat-kitten pumpkin on the front porch.

Tried for the bitten by vampire look without much success.

Picked delicious guayabas from the backyard.

Ate at my favorite vegan cafe.

Had many beautiful, quiet drives to school.

And as October comes to an end, I enjoy another warm afternoon.

6 months later..

I am horrible at this blogging thing. Still having commitment issues with it. Obviously.

I can't recall anything of major importance occurring since I last wrote.

Today would be an ordinary Friday except that I took the day off as a last hoorah before summer ends. I sit on my bed now, with laptop on my legs, feeling the breeze of a nearby fan. The only plans I have are to eat vegan takeout (probably chow-mein and fried rice from the Loving Hut), read a bit, maybe go for a walk, and meet up with the girls tonight. It is a lazy day of sorts. I do allow myself too many of these but with the heat of summer it's all I can do to not melt.

In an effort to be more productive with my life, I have signed up for fall classes. Actually, just one class. History of film. I haven't been able to not drop out of a class in a long time. Since I enjoy films so much I figured this would be the best way to get myself to stick to something. The classes are only once a week for 8 weeks on a Saturday and the it's on my favorite campus. Can't lose, right?

I know we are expected to have it all and figured out by now. But how do others do it? How do you know what your niche is?

I'll will try on as many as I need to, to find the right one. I just hope I don't spend my entire life just trying things on for size.

And so as not to leave things in a terribly depressing manner, here is a picture of Pixie blissfully sleeping on a hot afternoon.

Something I learned over the weekend? The more time I have on my hands, the less I tend to get done. I had more than enough time to do laundry, grocery shop, blog, etc. but instead I spent most of my weekend being a hermit in my room.

I also decided to switch from writing my "thankful for" things on the blog to writing them down in a notebook. It makes it much easier. I tend to think of the best ideas when I am doing the most mundane things. I wish Siri on the iphone would learn to take voice memos. It would make all those great ideas that I get on the drive home last. By the time I pull into the driveway I have forgotten my brilliant ideas and am on to thinking about what is for dinner.

Speaking of which, I should probably go make something quick to eat before I go do the laundry that I neglected over the weekend.

Just another Thursday

Today was a typical day. Work, drive home, feed the cat, use the treadmill, make a quick meal for dinner, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary happened but I still wanted to continue with the happiness exercise.

Three new things I am grateful for:

1. My family- I may have grown up as the only girl with my dad and two brothers but they helped shaped who I am today. And I will always love and appreciate them (even when they get on my nerves haha)

2. My boyfriend- I never expected to get so lucky, to have someone who is a partner, who I can count on, who respects me, and makes me smile everyday. I'm so lucky to have found my match at such a young age.

3. The scenic part of my drive home- on that short drive through the 133 I get to enjoy some greenery. Nature still exist there and never fails to make me want to open the sun roof and turn up the music.

new month. fresh start.

Resolutions don't seem to last long. Actually, much of what I start doesn't get finished. But this morning I really liked the feeling that I got when I woke up. I woke up happy and productive. I was all caught up with work stuff by 9am.

Tomorrow, I start my new work schedule of 6am to 3pm. It just adds to the feeling of getting back on track. I enjoy routine with a few dashes of spontaneity.

Ideally I would like to eat less junk, work out, blog more, read a book a month, stay organized, be nicer (more positive) and travel. I'm pretty sure I can accomplish the reading part. The book for January was One Day. This month I started reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. As for the others... I am working on them. I might even try blogging every day, even when I don't have much to say.

Something else happened this afternoon. My favorite vegan food truck posted a link to a video of Shawn Achor giving a speech on the happy secret to better work. I am going to take his advice and for the next 21 days I will write down 3 new things I am grateful for each day. It starts today.

I am grateful for:
1. Books-I have no words for how much I have always loved them.
2. Pixie-adopted as a kitten and now almost 3yrs old. She makes me smile every day.
3. Living in orange county- it's a short drive to the beach, san diego, mexico, LA and the weather tends to be in the perfect mid 70s range.

I have a feeling that this happiness/grateful thing is going to look great on me. ;)

Melancholia

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is sit around and wallow in my sadness. I don't even have a valid excuse for being so blue. It's the type of day where I want to watch sad movies and listen to very depressing songs. The weather doesnt help much either. Outside the sky is gray and the clouds are starting to gather in preparation for what is sure to be a rainy night.

In truth, part of the gloominess comes from worrying. I thought I was on the road to finally accumulating some money in my savings (i.e. more traveling). Life has a way of soiling plans at times. This is one of those times. An insurance claim that I thought was closed is apparently not over with and with that comes the risk of being in debt again. And just when I was sure that I had gotten past my financial mistakes of my early twenties.

Why is it that I am in a constant panic over my future? Quarter life crisis has been in full effect for the past 3 years. Which reminds me...I am officially 27. Have been since Monday.

Well, enough sulking! I think I will get back to reading and maybe change the music to something a little livelier. And life? It isn't so bad. It is actually quite great most of the time. In fact, my cat Pixie is currently nudging me; I think as a reminder of the good things in life.

Friendship

As I've gotten older my inner circle has fluctuated. I am lucky enough to have a handful of friends that I am super close to. And I'm also lucky enough to have had such solid friendships in high school that they carried right on over to my twenties.

For me, my friendships have gone through the same ups and downs as any romantic relationship. (I've even had a bff end in us not being friends anymore). I've struggled to be the best that I can be to each friend at some point. It almost feels like growing pains. As each of us grows as a person we might begin to clash with one another. Where we both might have once loved the same music or had the same political views we might not have that in common anymore. It can be tough trying to gain that balance back.

As each of us have dived deep within a relationship we might have spent so much of ourselves in that relationship that our friendships were left neglected. I know I was guilty of it and in retrospect can see how that might have made others feel. Going through that however, has made me much more understanding to those who have gone through it too.

It can be hard when everyone is growing and changing so much at the same time. I went from being an avid meat eater to giving it all up. What were fun, teasing jokes became not so fun once repeated. But that is what can happen when we get so used to things being one way and then having it all change so quickly. There is an adjustment period. New friends, hobbies, jobs, can all take some getting used to. But eventually you know you found the group for you when we are all still there for each other. No matter the physical distance, who we become, or how busy our lives might get.

I once let the drama interfere. It's hard staying solid and not getting enthralled in it. I hope to have matured as time has passed and now remind myself to not get sucked in. Let it go. When the dust clears I'll see the ones I love. My solid group.

I am so proud of who each one of my friends are. I hope they know that. Each one brings something unique to our group. It may sound corny but I am blessed to have every one of them as friend.

One week left

I turn 27 next Monday. I have a week left of being 26 (in my mid twenties) before moving on to being in my late twenties. It's not like I'm afraid of getting older, it's more like I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers. I keep trying to hold on to it but it's so defiant. I used to let it go because I had this feeling of the vastness of time. All the things I needed to do or wanted to do didn't matter because I would get to it someday. As I get older I start to feel like maybe I was too careless with it before yet at the same time I feel like I did more living then. I was less afraid, less inhibited. I was happy in that carefree way that only a teen fresh out of high school with the world before them and endless possibilities can feel. I went from feeling like I would work at a 9-5 job "for now" to "is this it?" What happened to following your dreams? Taking chances? Traveling the world? Being more spontaneous and trying new things? I let my inner hermit take the reins and now I'm not sure how to take them back and let the outgoing side of me take a chance. I don't want to look back one day and think that the saying "youth is wasted on the young" is right. I don't want to waste my youth yet I don't know how to make the best of it either.

This coming weekend I am fittingly having a theme party. You are to come dressed as who you wanted to be "one day." Back when we were kids, what did we aspire to be one day?

I have had a passion for books since I first learned to read. I remember many, many trips to the local bookmobile where I would check out as many books as I was allowed to. That continued as I got older. They were always such a comfort to me. So many summers were spent with a stack of library books. I even read them at the dinner table. I guess I never really allowed myself to think of a career in literature as a possibility and I'm not sure why. I wish I had stuck to academics instead of purposely falling behind. Now it feels as if it is too late. Logic tells me that it is not too late but my heart is so scared of disappointment that I haven't allowed myself to try. So this weekend I will let my little party give me a sort of symbolic head start. I am showing up as a "writer." Maybe the thought will become less scary if I face it head on.

It does feel like wherever I turn I am faced with signs to go for it. One of my best friends is off to another country to pursue a career in culinary arts. In the book I'm reading, (One Day)I find I sympathize with the character as she says, " 'I think you were telling me that my life was going nowhere,' and she began to laugh and cry at the same time." Even in my Instagram timeline I saw someone post "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." I am not sure how or where I will start but maybe writing my thoughts here on this blog can help. It might force me to be less neurotic about it all.

Currently..

Trying to decided whether to give my full attention to An American in Paris or One Day. Movies and reading...my idea of Friday night fun.